I’m starting a new series of video journals on my YouTube channel: It’s Thy time and it’s time to spill the Thy
Impermanence
Impermanence
I wake up all warm and cozy in my bed. I can hear my mom cooking breakfast and the smells of the food permeate into my room. I decide to lay in bed a little longer and turn on the TV to watch my favorite Saturday morning cartoons. I have not a care in the world and life feels good.
I wake up all warm and cozy in my bed. Oh how I wish I could lay in bed longer, but the day is calling me to get up and to do this and to do that. What I would do to go back to my childhood to have someone take care of me and to have little responsibility.
The bell rings and school is over. My best girl friend and I are roaming the school hallways laughing. We talk about school, swimming, friends, and boys. We see my crush and I instantly turn shy, not being able to make eye contact with him. My best friend screams “Hey Ryan!” and I blush with embarrassment. He disappears at the end of the hallway and we both end up roaring with laughter. High school is hard, but thank god I’ve got my best friend.
The car door closes and we say our goodbyes. My best girl friend is moving to Hawaii. We had spent countless hours talking about life, heartbreak, and work. She was the one I messaged at 5am because the guy I was seeing left me abruptly and she rushed over to console me. She was my go to person when I wanted to hang out, plan a party, or vent about someone or something. I miss her and even though I’ve got friends, no one can fill her void. I feel alone and I want to be around someone who understands me. I want my friend back.
I meet this mysterious man at the beach. We start conversing and I find him to be interesting. He asks me if I want to go watch the sun go down at the cliffs and I do. Two years later we get married, we have a pleasant life with many friends, many trips to his home in Italy, and we end up having a beautiful son. My dream of having a husband, travelling the world, and having a child comes true.
My son is two years old. I’m miserable. My husband is criticizing me about every little thing. I’m tired. I’m running my own business, I’m a mother to a two year old, and I’m trying to make my marriage work. Shouldn’t I be happy with what I’ve got? I realize my home life is toxic and I make the move of leaving my husband and breaking up my family. My heart breaks to be away from my son. My world is shattered.
My biggest accomplishment in life was building my own businesses from the ground up. When I had an idea, I would take action and work until that business was up and running. My friends and family were often in awe by how I could make it all happen so quickly and successfully. I always thought that even if other things in my life didn’t work out, I always had my business.
Eight years of having my own business and I am overwhelmed. I can’t keep up with the rent, I’ve done everything and anything when it comes to marketing my business, and I just don’t have the desire to do what I do anymore. I want out. I close my business and I end up working for someone else. My biggest nightmare has come true. I’m making very little money, I have no freedom with my schedule and I have a manager watching my every move. When will I wake up from this nightmare???
After a failed marriage, a few years of dating in the modern world, and just when I was about to give up on relationships, I end up meeting the man for me. Our relationship is the healthiest and most compatible relationship I’ve ever had. It’s full of passion, deep love, communication, and connection. I feel extremely grateful to have found him.
There comes a point where two people in a relationship need to decide “where are we going?” Are we making a serious commitment to one another or should we go our separate ways? Even though the love is there, this is when that awful saying of “sometimes love just isn’t enough” comes into play. It is quite sad when everything seems to fall into place except for the timing isn’t right or if you’re just not on the same page. So what do you do? Do you hang on hoping all of the sudden everything will be in alignment or do you say goodbye to someone you love deeply? The anxiety of not knowing where your relationship is going is enough to induce you to a state of wanting to assume fetal position and rocking yourself back and forth to self soothe.
The greatest gift I have received in life is my son. He’s perfect and he’s mine. Nothing can compare to the way he lovingly looks at me and how I am his favorite person. He is absolutely gorgeous and everything he says is either extremely adorable, insightful, or funny. I look at him everyday and can’t believe I made such a beautiful human being. I want to freeze him and to keep him my little boy forever.
Time is flying by and my son is growing. He’s almost as tall as me, his friends are becoming more important than me, and he won’t hug me or give me as many kisses as he used to. He now questions if I know everything and sometimes has to teach me about technology and what’s happening in the world. The one person who I felt was mine and would be my little sidekick forever is slowly becoming more independent from me. I know it is healthy to raise independent children, but the pain of knowing your child will leave you someday is the dagger to my heart.
One moment I am a baby in my mother’s arms and the next I am an elderly woman on my death bed. Life can bring you so much love and joy and at the same time be heartwretchingly painful. If there is one thing we can all be sure of it is that everything in life is impermanent. When things are good, be grateful and savor it. When life is rough, weather the storm and eventually the light will shine through again. This cycle of life will repeat itself as many times as it needs to and the moment we stop breathing and leave our bodies is when permanence has set in.
Life brought me a sh*load of lemons and this is how I made lemonade.
We all know the saying “When life brings you lemons, make lemonade”.I’ll be honest, whenever life brought me lemons, it was sour, face puckering torture and I didn’t like it one bit! To make something delightfully sweet and delicious was never my first inclination. Sometimes when the lemons came it was so awful I didn’t know how to turn it into something delectable. At other times, even though I didn’t like the lemons, I allowed the lemons to repeatedly disgust me. My lemons consisted of child abuse, low self worth, weight issues/eating disorder, dysfunctional relationships, divorce, depression, financial devastation, and sex addiction. These are some majorly acidic lemons, but I will tell you there is hope AND it is possible to make delicious lemonade.
I will say that my path to making lemonade has not been an easy one. It has been a process, that has involved a lot of f*ing up, surrendering, letting go, acceptance, and taking action. Lemonade is a great metaphor for life. It can be sour, sweet, spicy, boring, and exciting. The best lemonade is one that has a bit of tanginess, is refreshing, and has the perfect amount of sweetness. I even like the lemonades that have a little cayenne pepper, ginger and mint added because they add spice and dimension. Add some alcohol to it and now it’s become fun!
Here are the ingredients I have used to make lemonade:
- Therapy– Even though I have always been very fortunate to have very supportive friends in my life, your friends can only hear you bitch and moan for so long. After a while, they get tired and just want to you to move on with your life. This is where a therapist or life coach is great. They get paid to hear you bitch and moan AND they are there to help you get through whatever issues you have. Good therapists and coaches also have a neutral perspective, so they are not biased. They help you to get to the root of the problem and guide you to solutions to whatever is troubling you.
- Spirituality– My connection to God (I use this term as the spiritual omnipresent energy that is bigger than all of us) has helped me through some of my darkest hours. I have had moments where I have wanted to commit suicide and when I had these moments, I would feel something outside of myself. I would feel angels and spirits guiding me. Surprisingly, what got me through was somehow I had never felt like I was alone and that I was supported. There were times when I would pray multiple times in a day and I would ask for strength, guidance, and support. I always felt like God delivered.
- Self love– I will say this one was and still is the hardest one to work on. My self worth has always ranked pretty low considering that I’ve had an abusive childhood, I’ve had dysfunctional relationships, and narcissistic partners. My hatred for myself has lead me to eating disorders, irresponsible behavior, and addictions. Having compassion towards myself and treating myself with kindness is an everyday struggle. Yet, I do understand that being able to accept yourself for who you are and being forgiving towards yourself is crucial. If you don’t love yourself, then who truly will be able to love you? I believe we all attract people who are mirrors to show us who we are. This is why it is vital to do to be the best version of yourself knowing that you will never be perfect. I have learned through many failed relationships, that I must love myself, put my needs first, and understand I am deserving of having someone love me. All of us have gifts that make us special. It is important to focus on what we do love about ourselves instead of focusing on our shortcomings. It is important that we are aware of our imperfections and not to hate ourselves because of them. It is important to find the sweetness within ourselves instead of looking outward for the sweetness.
- Taking action and doing the work to shift my perspective-Many of us have to repeat actions and circumstances before we learn our lesson. How many times have you attracted the same type of person and after getting your heart broken over and over again, you tell yourself this has to stop! Moments like this I had to make the decision that I was going to shift my belief patterns and change my actions. This is where therapy was very useful and sharing with my loved ones that I was serious about making changes and I needed their support to help me if I was repeating my unhealthy behavior. This is not easy and it requires the commitment and dedication to wanting to change. I do believe we can change if the desire is strong enough. We may still have setbacks and falter, but we need to get back up, forgive ourselves, and continue the work.