I’m starting a new series of video journals on my YouTube channel: It’s Thy time and it’s time to spill the Thy
Stop playing your “A” game and start playing your “YOU” game!
Dating in the modern day world can be quite frustrating and deceiving. Everything is based on apps and it’s all based on pictures and profiles. These pictures we see are “supposed” to be accurate depictions of how someone looks in person and the profiles (if they actually have a written profile) is “supposedly” the truth of who this person is. How many times have you shown up for a date and the person looks nothing like their pictures? How many times have you read someone’s profile and when you ask them about what they wrote, they look at you with a blank face not knowing what you are talking about? How many times has that person commented on your profile saying they have something in common with you that you had written and you find out that isn’t the truth? If you have been out there dating, I’m sure every single one of these situations have happened to you at least once.
Why do people feel like they have to mislead you by putting up their best photos of themselves and why do they feel like they have to write something untruthful about themselves to make them seem more attractive? A lot of the times, guys don’t even read the girl’s profiles, they just go based on her looks. Sometimes guys will even just swipe right on all girls, in the hopes that they will have a higher probability of girls matching with them. I even know people who will lie about their age because because they want to get a better pool of people.The only way modern day dating apps have been positive is that they expose you to people you would not meet on an everyday basis. Everything else frankly sucks! If you happen to get to the first few dates, men and women feel like they need to put on their “A” game. The guy is on his best behavior and pulls out all of the stops for her. The girl puts on her best face, dress, and demeanor to pull the guy in. Look, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to show the best parts of you, but why not also show the not so great parts of you right away? Why wait 6 months to a year to let your “real self” show? Here’s an old yet new concept for these times…how about being honestly and authentically YOU???? Along with my own dating experience and talking to hundreds of women about dating, if your “A” game is authentically who you are and you will be like this a year, 3 years, 10 years, um…forever, in other words, maintaining this “A” game, then by all means please do it! You don’t know how often I have heard women tell me “he just doesn’t do what he used to when we first started dating.” On the flip side, I’ve also heard men say “she just wears sweats all day when she used to put on makeup and dress nicely for me.” Wouldn’t we all feel less disappointed, less manipulated, and deceived if we all just showed who we authentically were at the very beginning? Now I know there are some people where education, salary, race, and religion are very important to them and they will not budge unless someone checks off all of their boxes, but guess what? They’re just boxing themselves into a much smaller dating pool. Why can’t we love people for who they are and not for what they are? A lot of the times, we fall for people who we thought would not be our type, but at the end of the day they actually are the right people for us. I know a woman who will only date Christian men in a city that is full of non-Christians and she is miserable. If she were to open it up to men who hold Christian-like values, but may not be Christian, wouldn’t that make things easier? In fact, the guy “who got away” in her mind, was her ex-boyfriend who was not Christian, but because he wasn’t Christian, she broke up with him. She ended up dating a guy who was Christian and he seemed to be perfect on paper, although she compromised on so many levels and then the relationship did not work out. How unfortunate is that? I will say, being the esoteric chick that I am, I do believe that on a soul level, our souls have chosen eachother before we met here on an earthly level. No matter what, we will meet this person whether it’s through a dating app, on an airplane, at a bar, or on the street. There is nothing wrong with having a list of what you want in your future partner, but at the same time, leave some leigh way for someone who will wildly surprise you because they are not what you expected. In my own personal experience, the Universe has brought me men I never knew existed and not only did I find joy in being with these men, it opened up my eyes to see that you just never know who you will fall in love with and it could turn out even better than you have ever imagined! In the end, we all want a partner who loves us for who we truly are, all the good and all the bad that comes along with us. So instead of playing your “A” game and looking for that person who is showing you their “A” game, why not play the “YOU” game and find a partner who is also playing their “YOU” game, it just might save you some time and heartbreak in the end.
Impermanence
Impermanence
I wake up all warm and cozy in my bed. I can hear my mom cooking breakfast and the smells of the food permeate into my room. I decide to lay in bed a little longer and turn on the TV to watch my favorite Saturday morning cartoons. I have not a care in the world and life feels good.
I wake up all warm and cozy in my bed. Oh how I wish I could lay in bed longer, but the day is calling me to get up and to do this and to do that. What I would do to go back to my childhood to have someone take care of me and to have little responsibility.
The bell rings and school is over. My best girl friend and I are roaming the school hallways laughing. We talk about school, swimming, friends, and boys. We see my crush and I instantly turn shy, not being able to make eye contact with him. My best friend screams “Hey Ryan!” and I blush with embarrassment. He disappears at the end of the hallway and we both end up roaring with laughter. High school is hard, but thank god I’ve got my best friend.
The car door closes and we say our goodbyes. My best girl friend is moving to Hawaii. We had spent countless hours talking about life, heartbreak, and work. She was the one I messaged at 5am because the guy I was seeing left me abruptly and she rushed over to console me. She was my go to person when I wanted to hang out, plan a party, or vent about someone or something. I miss her and even though I’ve got friends, no one can fill her void. I feel alone and I want to be around someone who understands me. I want my friend back.
I meet this mysterious man at the beach. We start conversing and I find him to be interesting. He asks me if I want to go watch the sun go down at the cliffs and I do. Two years later we get married, we have a pleasant life with many friends, many trips to his home in Italy, and we end up having a beautiful son. My dream of having a husband, travelling the world, and having a child comes true.
My son is two years old. I’m miserable. My husband is criticizing me about every little thing. I’m tired. I’m running my own business, I’m a mother to a two year old, and I’m trying to make my marriage work. Shouldn’t I be happy with what I’ve got? I realize my home life is toxic and I make the move of leaving my husband and breaking up my family. My heart breaks to be away from my son. My world is shattered.
My biggest accomplishment in life was building my own businesses from the ground up. When I had an idea, I would take action and work until that business was up and running. My friends and family were often in awe by how I could make it all happen so quickly and successfully. I always thought that even if other things in my life didn’t work out, I always had my business.
Eight years of having my own business and I am overwhelmed. I can’t keep up with the rent, I’ve done everything and anything when it comes to marketing my business, and I just don’t have the desire to do what I do anymore. I want out. I close my business and I end up working for someone else. My biggest nightmare has come true. I’m making very little money, I have no freedom with my schedule and I have a manager watching my every move. When will I wake up from this nightmare???
After a failed marriage, a few years of dating in the modern world, and just when I was about to give up on relationships, I end up meeting the man for me. Our relationship is the healthiest and most compatible relationship I’ve ever had. It’s full of passion, deep love, communication, and connection. I feel extremely grateful to have found him.
There comes a point where two people in a relationship need to decide “where are we going?” Are we making a serious commitment to one another or should we go our separate ways? Even though the love is there, this is when that awful saying of “sometimes love just isn’t enough” comes into play. It is quite sad when everything seems to fall into place except for the timing isn’t right or if you’re just not on the same page. So what do you do? Do you hang on hoping all of the sudden everything will be in alignment or do you say goodbye to someone you love deeply? The anxiety of not knowing where your relationship is going is enough to induce you to a state of wanting to assume fetal position and rocking yourself back and forth to self soothe.
The greatest gift I have received in life is my son. He’s perfect and he’s mine. Nothing can compare to the way he lovingly looks at me and how I am his favorite person. He is absolutely gorgeous and everything he says is either extremely adorable, insightful, or funny. I look at him everyday and can’t believe I made such a beautiful human being. I want to freeze him and to keep him my little boy forever.
Time is flying by and my son is growing. He’s almost as tall as me, his friends are becoming more important than me, and he won’t hug me or give me as many kisses as he used to. He now questions if I know everything and sometimes has to teach me about technology and what’s happening in the world. The one person who I felt was mine and would be my little sidekick forever is slowly becoming more independent from me. I know it is healthy to raise independent children, but the pain of knowing your child will leave you someday is the dagger to my heart.
One moment I am a baby in my mother’s arms and the next I am an elderly woman on my death bed. Life can bring you so much love and joy and at the same time be heartwretchingly painful. If there is one thing we can all be sure of it is that everything in life is impermanent. When things are good, be grateful and savor it. When life is rough, weather the storm and eventually the light will shine through again. This cycle of life will repeat itself as many times as it needs to and the moment we stop breathing and leave our bodies is when permanence has set in.
Embracing your inner black sheep
I like to call myself the black sheep in my family and I have found that many of my good friends feel like they are black sheep too. We ALL have our quirks and traits that make us unique. Some may be viewed as weird, but who wants to be “normal”? Now there are those who don’t want to stand out and try to “fit in”, but who wants to be another white sheep in the crowd where nobody can decipher one sheep from another? I love that I am a black sheep. I’m going to tell you why it’s great to be the black sheep. When you are the black sheep, you can be yourself without shame or guilt. You know that people will like you for who you are and not for what you are trying to be. It is so refreshing to be who you are and to not put on an act. It can get tiring trying to “keep up with the Jones’”. A lot of the times, whatever makes us unique is what people actually like about us. I have a distinct laugh. My mom always told me my laugh was unlady like and no man would ever love me because of it. It turns out that ever since I was a child and until this very day, people tell me all of the time that they love my laugh and it makes them want to laugh too. I love that just by laughing, I can lift someone’s spirit. I grew up in the Midwest in the middle of white America. It’s funny because I thought of myself as a white person too. I often made the joke that I am a banana- I’m yellow on the outside, and white in the inside. The good thing about my upbringing is that I can relate to caucasians and minorities. Caucasians embrace me because of my “perfect english”, but minorities know I’m their people too. Put some authentic ethnic food in front of my face and I will eat the hell out of that! Most minority cultures have a strong food culture and there isn’t anything I won’t put in my mouth (that’s what she said haha!!!). I love all things metaphysical and esoteric. I tell people I’m a metaphysical hippy chic inside this Asian body. Most of my wardrobe looks like I shop at Banana Republic and I don’t smell anything like patchouli, but in the inside I am as kooky as you can get. Want to sit in the forest to listen to Spirit guides, trees, and fairies share there messages? I’m down!!! I grew up overweight until I was 16 years old. I always say being fat was a gift for me because it taught me to get people to like me because of my personality and not because of how cute I was. Not to be overly confident, but I know I’m attractive looking. I’m not a supermodel, but I have been told that I am pretty cute, sexy, pretty, etc. (you get the message). I have worked with many attractive people over the years and my biggest complaint with some of these people is they feel like they don’t have to work at things (including their personality) to get what they want. They’re just so use to getting what they want based on their good looks. There is even studies that prove that attractive people make more money, are more likely to get hired, and are more successful in general. My biggest quirk is that I LOVE sex!!! I love talking about it, I want it all of the time, and I have no shame in telling others how much I love it. I have had sex with a good amount of men and I am so happy I had all of those experiences. My sex life is f*cking amazing because I have had a lot of sex. I can have multiple orgasms, I can have sex for hours, I can continuously cum, and I can squirt like no other! Sex for me is the most blissful experience EVERY time!!! I have had people call me a slut, promiscuous, and other names, but guess what? I…DON’T…CARE!!! I will never give up experiencing extreme pleasure and I love it so much I want to help others have fulfilling sex lives. This is why I am in the business of sex coaching. There is nothing more rewarding than to see someone embrace who they are and from that they experience more joy in their life. I hope this inspires you to look within and to see whatever it is that may seem different or weird about you can actually be a gift. Being a black sheep isn’t so bad, it’s great!
No to WHOA!!!
I was a late bloomer. I have a loving, yet overbearing and strong Asian mother who instilled a lot of beliefs in myself. Some of those beliefs have been positive and have made me successful. She taught me to be a compassionate person, to be generous, to be a hard worker, to be resilient, and to be strong. A lot of those beliefs have been damaging and at the age of 41, I am still trying to overcome and delete these thought patterns. I never realized how powerful my mother’s voice would be, because until this day, I can still hear her voice in my head. Growing up Asian, my mother smothered me, taught me to be afraid of boys, and instilled in me that I was never going to be good enough. My focus was to get straight A’s and to be an obedient child. Like most Asian parents, when I came home with a B it was disappointing and a C was considered complete failure. It was alright for me to have girl friends, but boys were a no-no. She wanted me to focus on my studies and she said “No boyfriend until after college!”, “School is your number one priority”, “Boys are no good”. Even though she didn’t want me to have any boyfriends, she still would make statements on what a woman should be like to be attractive to a man. “You never talk to boys first or make the first move”, “Your face is pretty, but you are too fat”, “Your laugh is too loud, no boy will ever like you.” “You wait until marriage before you have the sex!”, “Men like when you cook and clean”, “You look more feminine with long hair and a skinny body”. I grew up overweight and my mother would always tell me “Your face is so pretty, but you are so fat, eat more!”, “I can tell you’ve gained 1 lb.”. I was a good girl and didn’t have any boyfriends until after college. I lost my virginity in my early 20’s to my first serious boyfriend. My mom always emphasized that having sex would cause all sorts of problems like getting pregnant too young (valid) or wanting it all of the time once I started (wait…what?!!!). I ended up getting married pretty young. I got married to my second boyfriend at the age of 25. When I met my husband I was still pretty inexperienced in dating and sex. To be honest, I was too young to know any better. I loved him, but I didn’t know what compatibility meant and I didn’t know what it meant to be in a healthy relationshi
My sex life with my husband was average. My mom was right that I did want to have it all of the time, but she didn’t mention that it was supposed to be mind blowing and amazing. We did have sex often, but it lasted 10-30 minutes and I hardly ever orgasmed or came. I remember my husband feeling concerned, but at the time I felt like it was good enough. I thought having an orgasm or coming was a myth and it never really happened in real life. Boy was I wrong! It was not until after I had gotten divorced did I discover how good sex could be. I sowed my oats and made up for lost time! I was fortunate enough to have some great sexual partners which lead to my sexual awakening. Through experimentation and having lots of sex, I learned that my body was capable of extreme pleasure! I was able to go for long periods of time (2-6 hours), I was able to have multiple orgasms (we’re talking double to triple digits), and I could have female ejaculation (multiple times!). I went from being this conservative, prudish girl to a sex loving tiger in the bedroom. I went from saying “No” to “WHOA!!!!” in just a matter of a few years.My clients often ask me how is it even possible to have the kind of sex that I have. What I tell them is that it takes being in touch with yourself, knowing your body and knowing what works for you. It takes having good communication with your partner and expressing what you like, want, and need. It takes being in the present moment with your partner and feeling all of the sensations in your body. It takes surrendering and being able to let go of control. Most importantly, it’s allowing yourself to receive pleasure and to not have any shame or guilt around it. It is also about having the right partners. Having a partner who you can trust and where there is reciprocity will make a world of difference. I share my story because I never knew sex could be amazingly wonderful and life changing. The woman I am today is far different than the girl that I was. My sexual awakening helped me to open up to new possibilities that I never knew existed. Let this be a lesson that nothing is impossible and there is a whole world out there of things that we never knew we could experience. Be open and know that anything is possible. I guarantee you will have many “No” to “WHOA!!!” moments in your life.
Life brought me a sh*load of lemons and this is how I made lemonade.
We all know the saying “When life brings you lemons, make lemonade”.I’ll be honest, whenever life brought me lemons, it was sour, face puckering torture and I didn’t like it one bit! To make something delightfully sweet and delicious was never my first inclination. Sometimes when the lemons came it was so awful I didn’t know how to turn it into something delectable. At other times, even though I didn’t like the lemons, I allowed the lemons to repeatedly disgust me. My lemons consisted of child abuse, low self worth, weight issues/eating disorder, dysfunctional relationships, divorce, depression, financial devastation, and sex addiction. These are some majorly acidic lemons, but I will tell you there is hope AND it is possible to make delicious lemonade.
I will say that my path to making lemonade has not been an easy one. It has been a process, that has involved a lot of f*ing up, surrendering, letting go, acceptance, and taking action. Lemonade is a great metaphor for life. It can be sour, sweet, spicy, boring, and exciting. The best lemonade is one that has a bit of tanginess, is refreshing, and has the perfect amount of sweetness. I even like the lemonades that have a little cayenne pepper, ginger and mint added because they add spice and dimension. Add some alcohol to it and now it’s become fun!
Here are the ingredients I have used to make lemonade:
- Therapy– Even though I have always been very fortunate to have very supportive friends in my life, your friends can only hear you bitch and moan for so long. After a while, they get tired and just want to you to move on with your life. This is where a therapist or life coach is great. They get paid to hear you bitch and moan AND they are there to help you get through whatever issues you have. Good therapists and coaches also have a neutral perspective, so they are not biased. They help you to get to the root of the problem and guide you to solutions to whatever is troubling you.
- Spirituality– My connection to God (I use this term as the spiritual omnipresent energy that is bigger than all of us) has helped me through some of my darkest hours. I have had moments where I have wanted to commit suicide and when I had these moments, I would feel something outside of myself. I would feel angels and spirits guiding me. Surprisingly, what got me through was somehow I had never felt like I was alone and that I was supported. There were times when I would pray multiple times in a day and I would ask for strength, guidance, and support. I always felt like God delivered.
- Self love– I will say this one was and still is the hardest one to work on. My self worth has always ranked pretty low considering that I’ve had an abusive childhood, I’ve had dysfunctional relationships, and narcissistic partners. My hatred for myself has lead me to eating disorders, irresponsible behavior, and addictions. Having compassion towards myself and treating myself with kindness is an everyday struggle. Yet, I do understand that being able to accept yourself for who you are and being forgiving towards yourself is crucial. If you don’t love yourself, then who truly will be able to love you? I believe we all attract people who are mirrors to show us who we are. This is why it is vital to do to be the best version of yourself knowing that you will never be perfect. I have learned through many failed relationships, that I must love myself, put my needs first, and understand I am deserving of having someone love me. All of us have gifts that make us special. It is important to focus on what we do love about ourselves instead of focusing on our shortcomings. It is important that we are aware of our imperfections and not to hate ourselves because of them. It is important to find the sweetness within ourselves instead of looking outward for the sweetness.
- Taking action and doing the work to shift my perspective-Many of us have to repeat actions and circumstances before we learn our lesson. How many times have you attracted the same type of person and after getting your heart broken over and over again, you tell yourself this has to stop! Moments like this I had to make the decision that I was going to shift my belief patterns and change my actions. This is where therapy was very useful and sharing with my loved ones that I was serious about making changes and I needed their support to help me if I was repeating my unhealthy behavior. This is not easy and it requires the commitment and dedication to wanting to change. I do believe we can change if the desire is strong enough. We may still have setbacks and falter, but we need to get back up, forgive ourselves, and continue the work.